i needed You.

claryn.wordpress.com

honestly, when your department's head mentions "please do not hesitate to call us if you have any query", do NOT respond to my question as though i'm asking you to breastfeed me or something. seriously.

no wonder so many people don't like you.
you're impossible!

i can't believe you spoke to me like that. you were trying to be sarcastic with me and you think i don't get it, do you?
you're unbelievable!

erfgh and stop staring at people with those goldfish eyes and with your nose held up high.
you don't realize, do you, that when you talk to anyone at all, your nose is tilted to the sky?

you know, sometimes, a little humility goes a long way.
but if you choose to be that way, please do not work where you do.
you're like a living, walking, breathing, talking contradiction!

and seriously, although you may really enjoy speaking with a non-malaysian english accent, thinking you're all that fabulous, and giving preferential treatment to people not of our colour, you really ought to stop.




erfgh!!
you're annoying my soul!

"Baby! IM FALLIIINNNG... " (pretends she has no more strength in her feet and falls comfortably onto me standing behind her).

" I catching catching you!!! " (pretending im catching her and cushioning her fall ).

THATS when she's falling and im catching.

"Baby! IM FALLIIINNNG... " (pretending i have no more strength in my feet and fall comfortably onto her standing behind me).

"Oh really ah? " ( pretends she is somewhat confused with her surroundings and her situation. Her Management book is in her hands. )

"Baby. I fell ady. " ( On the ground)

" ??? " ( puts on the no comment face and continues with her Management book. )

And THATS when im falling and she's catching...

Now you guys know my situation?

But no matter what ill still be two steps behind you...looking over you..because you will always be my baby.

 

 

spontaneity is purchasing bonsai seeds on impulse to nurture bonsai plants in a lonely deserted island.
indeed.

sigh, if only we didn't have just 3 days left..

somehow writing/journal-ing don't de-stress me no more.
no, no idea why.

spent some time in Assumption Church's holy prayer room in the evening with B today.
i felt God's presence. i think i really did.
we just need Him so much to get us through our 3rd year.
it's gonna be tough, yeah.

oh and i didn't mention, yeah, about my exams?
boy they were so tough. abso-erfghy-lutely.
i need so much prayers to help me maintain my scholarship.
please please, God.

am getting FAT from studying.

now, let's all profess an undivided, undying and unanimous hate for management.

or i could do it myself, of course, alone. :(
please agree with me?

omg omg omg!

i feel like i've made such a big decision in life.

to undergo an intercampus exchange to clayton.

omg omg omg again!

it *is* a pretty big deal for me.
i mean, think about it!
i'm emotionally unstable, i'm stressed easily, i cry easily, i miss him easily, i easily get hypersensitive, i'm the baby in the family..

but you know what?
i'll learn, i'll survive, i'll live.

hadn't have the best semangat to go on this exchange in the past few months.
and christin suddenly enlightened me on the last day..

omg omg omg!!

can i do it?
can i get it?
can i survive it?
 

God, i need You to be with me on this journey..please help me.
i love You.

This morning,
i slabbed on some SPF50++ on my face,
some Nivea UV protection cream on my arms,
SPF30++ sunblock on my neck
and (after realizing my arms need more protection than some maybe SPF0++ moisturizing cream) on my arms as well.

this attempt/realization/mission began when i suddenly thought of my grandmother's arms and neck which look really......spotty and wrinkly and saggy and..scaly.
totally don't wanna end up like that.

BUT!
when i left home and parked in Monash (which btw eats RM2.00 off of me EVERY DAY)
i had the most beautiful parking spot (PTL!)
when i left my faithful car parked in that lavishly-priced parking space, i braced the beautiful, windy, and just slightly bright weather.
ahh, i'mma soak up all the sun in the world if it makes me feel as happy as it did today.



now, if only i didn't feel so oily and smell like sunblock the whole day (!!), it would have been perfect :)

Lord, please help me starttt on my management assignment.
i really am so clueless about it..
but i know Your Holy Spirit will guide me through..please please.
and i pray my 1st assignment's marks would be okay,
according to Your will..
please please make it alright..
and help me do this one right too.
i trust in You, Amen.

I don't wanna lose you
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And i don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But i don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now i could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.

it don't feel like 1.30pm in the afternoon.
it feels like a gloomy, lonely evening..
wondering what would happen IF.
if you were here,
if we were alone,
if you knew what i was thinking about,
if you felt the same,
if we could let ourselves fall..




anyway,
i can't bring myself to start on my assignments. i'm so tired :(
just did a batch of handwash.
i can't start.
in my head, i've got law readings, management (about which i'm clueless), psych interlearns..


my shoulder's aching badly from yesterday's trade sampling.
it was tiring!
but i wouldn't trade it for any other job :)

a very, very, verrryyyyy (okay you get the point) old friend of mine dropped me a text several days back.
what was supposed to be an hour of tryin'a do my law assignment suddenly turned into a much-appreciated hour of catching up our past..6 years. :)

this week and next are gonna be crazily loaded with due dates and test. gah. how'd we go on?


xoxo.


 

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, you're starting to get on my nerves!
Niles: All in a day's work, Sir. 

ahh cracks me up.
really, The Nanny's all i need after a long day filled with nothing but my LAW assignment.
and i'm not even halfway through!
and i've only done one-third of what i aimed to do today!

i. feel. like. dying.



xoxo

It's when i needed you most, you were there .

Were there times you just wondered who you are and whether you mattered in this world? It's really too much to think when you sit and look back at the reason you're in this world, and the purpose of life.

Am I here to do what im doing, or am I here for a special cause for mankind? Or am I here to make a difference.

There is this girl i met while on this journey to find out my purpose in life.

Her name is Louisa.

She came into my life when i was lost. She came with music. A little gentleness in her and and perfect innocence glowing in her eyes.
A light of hope, and laughing friend. She was like an angel who lost her wings, naive about the world around her, and she needed me to take care of her till her wings grew back. She opened my heart.

And i fell in love with her.

But i was afraid. Because being an angel, she'd have to leave me after her wings grew back. She would have to go and be who she has to be. She wouldnt love me because im only human. A human full of mistakes, wants, needs and sins. And im Indian too!

She accepted me.

She loved me.

Now this girl,angel and soulmate is my heart. She lives in me and i feel her as much as i know my God loves me. She is in every heartbeat and breath. Her hands give me strength, her kisses make me fall in love. Deep in me, she is the one i love with everything i have.

Everything in me says she is the one. The one who'd lead me, hand in hand, to become who i was meant to be. And she'd love me no matter what happens. In my heart i know and feel that this love is meant to be.

i'd give myself to you..
because i want you to be my everything..
i love you..i really do..
i'll never let you go..never baby..

She chose me, and gave me her wings. I am who i am because she loves me. Her wings will let me fly.



Her name is Louisa. 


Brennan.

i wish i had a manual,
but i don't.

i wish i could tell the world it ain't so bad,
but i can't.

i don't know what keeps me going, seriously.
what i know is that i can't wait to fall into his arms all over again, for the very first time.
i can't wait to see him feel him smell him and just to be in his presence.
i can't wait for him to come home.

but that's only after knowing he's coming home. 

how about when he leaves?

i cry buckets and my eyes puff till they bloat.
there's like a hole in my heart
there's a longing..
i try to distract myself, with homework, exams, assignments, housework, family matters, friends, etc. 
yet still at nights i just curl myself to sleep wishing he was home, tear a little, sob a little, all under the privacy of my blanket.

in between,
i feel a pang in my heart everytime i see a couple walk by.
i feel a sort of emptiness and loneliness when my sister leaves on a date from home.
i feel mellow when my sister's boy comes home for dinner.

when i miss him, i blame him for leaving me.
it's wrong, i know, but it takes away the sadness, it gives me someone to put the blame on..
it allows me to distract myself from the fact that,
he's not here..

but it's not all bad.
i call him, tell him about my day, tell him what i feel, tell him how angry i am with the world around me..
there's a sort of shelter and refuge for me somewhere out there.
he becomes my best friend, a confidante.
his voice becomes something, somewhere i can go to for an escapade, to escape from the world..
we laugh, we talk about love.
we let our imagination run wild, as a form of escape from the harsh reality of..
REALITY.

after almost two months of being away, far far away..
he's coming home for the weekend.


i can't wait,
i'm dying to see him, feel him, love him.


oh friday, friday, will thou art ever come?
oh sunday, sunday, will thou art never come? please?

ahh. livejournal never fails me.

i so want to start on all i need to do.
but i can't!
i dunoe how!
i dunoe where.

erfgghh i'm so frustrated. not only with this though. 

i need a time-out from home. 
i need to go away some place else.
i need to feel like there's a world out there. 
and i need it desperately. 

baby, come home. please?

i'm so frustrated that i can no longer find a comfortable spot at home. 
i'm so frustrated that someone other than me is throwing tempers around.
that's my job, okay?
i don't know how to be you.
don't be me.

Nike Women's Air Rift







someone please buy me one :(
size 7
this type of shoe, but any design/pattern/colour.
seriously, there are so many to choose from!

but! NO BLACK PLEASE, and NO TRAINER-ISH, OVERLY SPORTY TYPES. (e.g. the trainers series)

e.g. of BOO-BOOs.

 yuckness.

please?

 

there ain't really a word to describe the mixed confused feelings in my mind, in my heart right now. i'm praying for a better week. with a little more understanding, patience, joy, peace, and maybe just a little more love.

i seriously think the saying 'when the going gets tough, the tough gets going' doesn't apply to everyone in general, especially me. i think for me, when the going gets tough, the tough goes away. erfghh.

my mum's addicted to Friends, i swear. 

and i cannot, cannot bring myself to read LAW! 


anyway, i'm glad to know i'm not alone in being undecided in my future career pathway. :)

 
i'm sure we've all felt that way before.

How much does it take to follow your dreams?

And how much does it take to protect your dreams from crashing down. Why is Time so difficult to be hoped on,and why does the future have to look vague. How can it be vague when its right in front of you. If you make choices based on what you want then your future will be what you want. If you make choices based on what you believe then the future will be what you believe. Things dont always go the way you plan it to be,but doesnt mean it changes your future. Your choices change the future. And if everything goes according to your plan then where does the responsibility of making choices come in living our life. Will facing the consequences and emerging victorious in life have a meaning in the future we hope for. Wont life just be a constant straight boring road. Why is it what we want now we must get it now and now only. Is Time to difficult to be hoped on. Is the future that vague? The road in front of us has been laid and its up to us to take the difficult one or the easy one, but remember all roads dont lead to the same place. The future is what we choose and Time will just watch us choose and bring future to us when the TIME is right. Is one more year that difficult to be hoped on? Is the future that vague even after i showed the future..My future is in this dream, and you will always be a part of it.. 

How am i gonna see myself through this time,choices,and roads, and finally my future without you in this dreams?

 

This is you and me, holding on, 
and He's pulling us at front..

I will always love you..

Brennan
 

just in case we all don't remember how we look like ahaha.
well yesterday night's meet up reminded me that are elek photos of us on this blog. that's sad, really.

about yesterday night's meet up, it was me, kimberly and emily (the order in which we arrived) at noodle station, ss15 subang.
it was great, i haven't seen emily in almost a year or so, and kimberly in..more than half a year or so. it felt like 2007 all over again. :)
thanks girls for the nice meeting :)

my first day at work today! we went to some random golf course all the way in rawang. but it really seems like a nice, happy-go-lucky job. well, better than being at home doing law or management or sth, really. erfgh. just mentioning what i'm gonna go through this semester gives me the chills. argh. i'm already agitated.

why does my face look so chubby in this photo?!?!?! da!!

i met a beautiful person on monday. and another today.
what makes people beautiful, really?
what makes you stare with your mouth open?

today we had band practice, after 10 years or so of not having any. boy i missed those boys and the way they get on my nerves sometimes due to music issues :) after that we headed on to usj2's sri anggerik for some. we talked about which physical part of the body attracts each of us. i had no answer. some said arse. some said face. some said personality. i don't know really, maybe there's just a pull factor that makes me stare with mouth wide open. just, what is it? 

i wish i were that beautiful. but even if i was, i'd wish i were where i am now, wishing i were that beautiful. because nothing's less beautiful than an individual who knows, and makes full use of the fact that he or she is beautiful. 



i'd lie down and laze around just waiting for you.